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18 February 2007 @ 11:16 am
Tipping for Pizza with Porno  
A friend of mine works for an online video distributor. This distributor makes the majority of its money not on your populist movie fare [e.g. Legally Blonde 3: Blonde, Fabulous, and Blonde! :) ] but instead on films of an "Adult" nature. For, what else do adults do, when convened for an evening, but whip out their dicks and start slapping the minge of the nearest Indian lady whilst another starts rubbing enormous black titties of a moaning Nubian starlet. Forgive the vulgarity of the description, but I think it’s silly to call pornography “adult.” What could be more childish (hearing a fart echo in a church notwithstanding)?

Well, it seems that even in the world of online pornographic retail, some titles don’t just fly off the shelves. This leaves the poor distributor overstocked with titles. Which means, eventually, a bigwig decides the pass the savings on to YOU!

“YOU!” in this case is actually the employees, who are told “Yeah, take a box of porno.”

My friend explained this to me at a party one night, about how he was thinking of giving me a great big box of porno as a present, but thought I wouldn’t like it.

“Are you kidding?!” I said, exclamation and question marks in my voice. “I would love to have a big box of porno!”

Now, I am famously gay and asexual amongst my friends, so I don’t really have any “use” for pornographic videos (i.e, wanking). But I’m also famously a collector of movies and it’s an affront to my hobby that someone wouldn’t think enough of me to supplement the collection. Free movies are the best way to increase, double or even triple a movie collection. So what is no one has ever heard of “Why Me?” starring Christopher Lambert and Christopher Lloyd? I own a copy on VHS, mothafuckas!

The party worked its normal course with the ponro conversation long since forgotten. And so I decided it was time our little funnymaking group, Spinster Comedy, recorded some sketches for audio engineering and webcast. I arranged a recording session at our apartment and got together the finest voice actors I could find. This included enlisting my video distributor working friend who showed up with – miracle of miracles – a box of porno.

38 titles in all. And running the gamut – “Chocolate Gazongas #2,” “Old Hag Gang Bang,” “Big Dicks for Mini Chicks,” “Dick Sergeant – personal favorite of mine, “over 4 hours of service men who service men” – and so many more! Starring at the cover of “Cumswapping Headliners #3” I was awestruck, not just because I wasn’t sure what “cumswapping” was but also that there were “headliners” – and it makes me worry for all the underground cumswappers out there. Ladies, transferring cocksnot from your mouth to another lady is not remotely dignified. I just wanted you to know that. (I somehow envision a cadre of cumswappers to read this blog, reform their life, and become a group of singing nuns with enormous breasts)

The night wore on, because recording an audio sketch is serious work, and you need a read-thru to get the cadence, a couple more rehearsals to get it right, and then your spot at the microphone. We started at 6:00 so it became time to order food. While waiting for its arrival and working our second sketch of the night, I suddenly piped up after a take –

“We should tip the pizza guy in porn!”

A sudden wave of grins swept the room. A giddy, mischievous wave of grins. Though everyone in the room was approaching thirty, we had magically been transported back to middle school, tittering about the prospects. All I needed was braces and an outbreak of acne and the scene would have been a stereotypical slumber party, replete with trying to light farts on fire.
I quickly tried to talk my way out of it, of course, because even with a room full of guys egging me on, I could feel my proverbial bollocks shrinking at the prospect. I have never been one for heroics, nor am I a candidate for Jackass-like behavior.

We selected an appropriate title, “Mexican Anal Gang Bang,” for its hopefully universal appeal, and I put the
$10.00 tip on top of it. Sooner than expected, the doorbell rang and a delivery man in perhaps the most ridiculous coat I’d ever seen handed me a pizza, two whole hoagies and an order of wings. I quickly pawned off the food to one of the guys, grabbed the cash and video, and handed it to the delivery guy saying “Keep the change.”

Without any reaction whatsoever he took them and went on his way.

We quickly closed the door and began to titter about what had happened. You know the feeling – that excitedness in your stomach about doing something terrifically naughty. But the giggles were now outright laughter – not just because we had accomplished this outrageous feat, but because, in Pittsburgh of all places, the delivery man was Latino. These are details that you just cannot fabricate.

For one brief shining moment I was a stupid kid instead of a balding man. And since my childhood wasn’t rife with those kinds of moments, it was nice to put it in the old scrapbook. “That is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, in my life,” said my roommate. High praise indeed.

Most adult videos will run you about $30.00 a pop, either in stores or online. We calculated that my collection now contains – at minimum - $1000.00 worth of adult entertainment. Or as I prefer to think of it, 37 more tips.
Current Mood: giddygiddy
addibec: yikes!addibec on February 18th, 2007 05:38 pm (UTC)
incredible. sorry I missed that one!
(Deleted comment)
dskestreldskestrel on February 19th, 2007 03:41 am (UTC)
i suggest you deliver food, then!