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16 March 2006 @ 05:51 pm
well, after nine months of eager anticipation, bloating, eagerness, discomfort, bloating, joy, jubilation and bloating, my aunt has finally gone into labor to experience - for a second time - the responsibility of a woman, the continuation of human existence and something i just won't ever be able to do: giving birth.

HOOORRRAAAY!!!! i am so excited to be related to someone who's miraculous. it's really exciting 'cause if you're a roman catholic, like me, working a miracle is the surest fire way to earn sainthood. and, well... now that i think on it... shucks, my mother had THREE kids, that's enough miracles to get her canonized for sure! way to go, mom!

but back to squeezing a human through your vagina: wow. just wow. life is just so danged precious that i'm bursting at the seams with anticipation of another person in my family. why? 'cause that makes me so much more awesomer than you that my family is big and expanding. fuck with me there's an irish army what's got my back. so if you pick on david, matthew, patrick, michael, lara, erin, danielle, christopher, jonathan, connor, joelle, brian, aidan, liam, kathleen or dylan (and/or that illegitimate son my rapscallion uncle fathered). okay, so ten of them aren't yet old enough to drive, it's still amounts to an army, of sorts. and if i call in the italian side... well, let's just say f'geddaboutit! actually, let's not, as that is both a) stereotypical b) racist and c) gobbledegook.

and to dispel any pre-planned or similarly uninformed congratulations: *I* had nothing to do with this kid. i didn't have sex with my aunt. so i take no part of the celebratory congratulations. and i'm also not an UNCLE. okay, stupids? lesser beings? folks that can't do family-math? if your aunt has a baby, he is your... COUSIN! the day i become an uncle is hopefully very very far away. you may, however, congratulate me on how unbelievably awesome a cousin i am (& will be).

yes, i'll be 43 when the kid learns how to drive and 48 when he's legal to drink, but let's not focus on my corpse just yet? i have three glorious years left (six if i budget them correctly) and i intend to live them outlandishly.

*end communication*
Current Music: whatever fucking punk song is on sean's bmx video game
19 February 2006 @ 11:11 pm
actor wanted for short film
35-45 years old, male
willing to modify hairstyle
open-minded about comedy

actor wanted for short film
18-22 years old, male
comfortable with nudity (no frontal)
open-minded about comedy

interested or know someone?
reply or e-mail
13 February 2006 @ 01:02 am
it's amazing how much i hate things. it's less amazing how much i hate the proximityy of this to valentine's day. i think i outed myself to my aunt and uncle tonight. who, unless they live under a rock, should have already known. i'm a bad bad gay. it feels time for idiotic rambling. i am growing steadily sick/addicted to ¡que buena! radio. and i hit a telephone pole with my car. your mother can suck it (the car or the telephone pole, whichever)
Current Mood: concussed
Current Music: "jersualem" ~ dan bern
and the spreadsheet is complete. and i shall never get back all the time i spent working on it, when i could have been making love on the warm, sandy beaches of ko samui. by which i mean, awaiting the next peter sarsgaard nude scene.
Current Mood: joyful
Current Music: "the pennsyvlania polka"
15 January 2006 @ 11:26 pm
so i'm going to stake my claim here, having seen "good night, and good luck," "syriana" and "brokeback mountain," along with some other well-reviewed films this year. let's see how close i get...

best picture: Good Night, and Good Luck

best actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote)

best actress: Felicity Huffman (Transamerica)

best director: Ang Lee (Brokeback Mountain)

best supporting actor: George Clooney (Syriana)

best supporting actress: Michelle Williams (Brokeback Mountain)

i'm also working on a microsoft excel spreadsheet covering these awards from 1927 to present. e-mail me if you'd like a copy; it has award-winners and the nominees.
Current Mood: impressedimpressed
Current Music: "lazy sunday" ~ chris parnell & andy samberg
31 December 2005 @ 06:54 pm
but what i really wanted this year was a naked teenaged boy, covered in blood.
11 December 2005 @ 11:58 pm
what is the most important use of livejournal?

no, it's not to spread the unimaginative and tripe-fueled musings of techno-savy dittoheads, it's to spread the unimaginative and tripe-fueled invites to gatherings of social significance.

specifically, an apartment-warming shindig, hosted at 263A gross street, which is my new residence. it's going to be on saturday, december 17 and will start at 8pm. what fun! there will be appetizers and desserts and libations provided by yours truly, which ought to be a time which is both fun and also good. if you're free and able, do please stop on by, if only for a moment.

**please note, gifts will simply not be tolerated. sean and i will smash them, sight unseen, like the unruly apes that we are**

263A Gross Street
Saturday, Dec 17

be there or be square. or some other polygonal configuration that is more to your liking.
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: "celebration" ~ kool & the gang
03 December 2005 @ 05:30 pm
yup, i'm not dead... yet...

oh, wait...

no, false alarm. still alive.

now make with the presents.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: "happy birthday" ~ "weird al" yankovic
25 November 2005 @ 06:04 pm
1. my life
2. my health
3. my dick
4. your dick
5. gag suppressant spray
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: "the alvin show" ~ dave seville & his orchestra
03 November 2005 @ 09:40 pm
it's one month before my birthday, and if anyone's interested in procuring me a present to celebrate the annual remembrance of my birth, the following thirteen items have been selected:

1. a 1986 dial-tone special mision: brazil g.i. joe 3 3/4" action figure
2. a sectaurs coloring book
3. a full monty lap dance from "eyebrows" to the extended clumb mix of "hungry like the wolf" by duran duran
4. lance storm's autograph
5. the access code to shut down the robot patrol guards in "2400 AD" by chuck bueche
6. a recording of andrew lloyd webber's "evita" in mandarin
7. elijah wood's telephone number
8. lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. nam mollis eros. cras.
9. a solid gold turd
10. the head of alfredo garcia
11. the defeat of sen. rick santorum
12. to know what mark, jeff and diane really think of me
13. my father to leave me the hell alone
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Current Music: "can't get enough of your love" ~ bad company